Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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