When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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