Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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