Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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