Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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