I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
