why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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