He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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