I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
