I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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