She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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