Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
