i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
