just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
