New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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