You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
