I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
