Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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