I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
