Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
