I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
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Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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