I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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