I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
