How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Randomize
