Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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