Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
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I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
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I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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