Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
