I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
