and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
