When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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