My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
