My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
