woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
