Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
