After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
