Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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