You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
