she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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