Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
