I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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