after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
