I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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