paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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