Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
