HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
