So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
