Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
