I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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