Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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