the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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