its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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