i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
