i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
