I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
