Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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